Edens_Rising_Sun's Xanga

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:55:42 GMT

i hate it when youre vague

when i cant understand what you mean

i cant tell if youre meaning me or something entirely different

and when it seems like your taking something so small and making it big

i dont udnerstand why.

i cant tell if youre actually making a big deal out of that one little argument

or if something bigger is going on that im missing

im wondering if i should be preparing for something big

i hate when youre vague

because i dont know what to do.

because i dont know what to say to make it better

i dont know what youre thinking

and that scares me

i was trying not to think or worry about you leaving me
i know you love me, and i love you too
i thought we can work through this, it was just a small argument, our smallest ever.
but when you say something like that.. about wondering when is the time to give up or keep trying...

not even thoughts of your love can reassure me until it comes from your mouth.

i feel like im balancing between having things fixed and stronger, or having you leave me all alone.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:11:12 GMT

i hate myself sometimes..

why am i so selfish?

to the point that ive hurt you...

im sorry.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 03:28:42 GMT

i want new friends.

Hopeless love...

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:45:18 GMT

Know what sucks?

when you fall for someone that you shouldn't fall for...

and I don't mean in the bad boy sort of way...

god damn why does he have to live so far away?? >.<

to think I fell so hard for someone who I've never met, and lives on the other side of the country...

I would give almost anything to live near him...

*sigh*
</3

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:47:29 GMT

again.

i hate.

anxiety.

fuck this.

im gonna talk to my doctor.

no way this is normal.

maybe?

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 00:13:19 GMT

i think i might just possibly be a little screwed up in the head....

i don't feel normal...

how much is it to talk to a psychologist?

hit fastforward and skip this shit.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:24:49 GMT

So the last time we talked on MSN was Wednesday.
which was only for about 5 min.
Before that was Monday.. which was over a long period of time but he only wrote like 4-5 messages..

Last time I talked to him was on the phone for less than 2 minutes on Friday. Just to see if he was gonna hang out with me or not.

And I know he's busy with his music. But he was online last night... and didn't talk to me...

So now I'm trying to figure out if I did something wrong, if he's not interested anymore, or what the fuck is going on...

Because it hurts to have been talking to him everyday for over a month, and then have him practically disappear..

I don't wanna appear desperate, but I do know I'm justified in wanting answers.. You really shouldn't do stuff like that to people, no excuses, unless there is something major happening, which I know isn't because he was playing video games yesterday through steam..

its probably the only thing that will ever bug me about guys.. They like to drop communication. Or at least all three guys I've dated so far have done it to some degree...

Half my consultants say just dump him. The other half say he's probably still interested, but scared.

And its not even the lack of communication that bugs me. Its that I didn't get a warning of any kind. Like if he had told me he would be busy all week, I wouldn't be worried or annoyed at all. But he didn't so now I don't know what to think..

on top of that when I talked to him on Friday, I was inviting him to go out to dinner with me and my friends. He jokingly called me "high maintenance"... and while he said it jokingly, it has now been long enough that my mind is twisted and thinking maybe he really does think that...

but I hate making people spend money, and only 2 of the 4 times we've gone out have we actually spent money, and the first time he was the one who suggested it and the second time he didn't need to spend money. So again, I don't get it...

at this point I would prefer any sort of response, both positive or negative.

Positive, we can continue to see where this, whatever it is, takes us.

Negative, I can move on and get over it.

but I am going to wait for a response, because I don't really want to move on without hearing his side of the story..

what I wouldn't give for a fast forward button..

lets go back to tomorrow

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:54:04 GMT

(screw it im using names.. not like anyone reads this anyway)

miri said something the caught my attention and now its stuck in my head, poking the little scab left over and annoying me more than i think it should...

"so you're going to thu's party on friday?"

"yea"

"and bringing allen?"

"maybe, havent asked yet"

"yea, she was talking about how everyone would have a date. angel with [someone], miri with michael, heather with allen, bao with .. maybe, and thu with natsuki."

thu with natsuki, the one thing that pokes at the scab and annoys me... but i dont want it to.. i seriously dont want to give a shit, but i do..

she made a comment a lil while ago "friends dont date friend's exes"
we were joking about something else but it comes back to my mind now.

i know they arent dating, and im not like pissed or mad at thu, just the thought is annoying and i want it to go away.

kinda like a left over urge for revenge to hurt him as much as he hurt me..
but it was one of the first things to go through my head after we broke up. the what if thing..

damn, im just gonna forget this i dun wanna drag shit up.

ive moved on and im over it

pretty much

just little things bug me.. x.x;

hmm...

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 13:44:30 GMT

ok so maybe the weed bothers me a little..

but i still really like him, and obviously i'm pretty sure he likes me, and even though we are still seeing where it will go, i think there is a definite possibility.

and the weed didnt really bother me until i woke up this morning.. for some reason..

but then, what basis do i have to go off?

I've only known him for a month, and met face to face 17 days ago, and didnt actually kick it off until we stayed up to 5 am on valentines day~
so the one incident that bugged me might not be caused by the weed..

but then i dont know if im just making excuses or if thats what i really want.

ah, the perils of one who over thinks everything.

you can never be too sure. of both yourself, and situations

he told me he only smoked once every two weeks or so.
i told him as long as he never smoked around me it was fine, and as long as he wasnt too high around me that was fine.
he hasnt done it around me, and the only time he actually had any in his system when we were out, he was already coming down, and i was just as sugar high so i really didnt care.

but it is happening more often than once every two weeks. maybe once a week. maybe a little more often. and the incident wasnt even that big, he was just tired and didnt feel like talking, even though he stayed up till 2 am that same night. but he made up for it the next day

if i think really hard, the thought of weed only bugs me a little. but so did alcohol before i got drunk. i don't ever plan to do weed, and he knows that. and i know a couple other people who do weed too, and again as long as its not around me, im fine.. but i think the reason that doesn't bug me, is because i dont have to think about them [friends]. i don't think about them high, i don't talk to them when they're high, etc.

but i do talk to him, and think about him. alot.

i think i just woke up this morning and had another anxiety attack. unfortunatly, its been happening again.
or it could be i'm still not used to "dating" someone rather than... before

But there is more to him than just the small amout of weed he does.

but we will wait, and see if anything like the incident happens again. because the one thing i can't stand is being ignored.. not because i'm impatient or want attention on me, but because i over think everything, and so when i don't get a response, every possible bad scenario goes through my head.. like maybe he doesnt like me..
which unfortunatly is a major sign of insecurity, but eh its not very strong so its pretty easy to ignore.

and the only thing i really think about right now is, damn i should have put my head on his shoulder..

Screw That

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 19:48:51 GMT

I'm not asking them if they wanna hang out anymore..

it's always no anyways..

or they say no, and then a little while later, ask me if i want to do something with them the same day they KNOW i already have plans.

and of course, once again, this is only a short lapse in the patience i have with my friends.

ill bounce right back in a bit and have no recollection of ever having been mad at them again..

i wonder if my subconscious is saving up all the nuances and cramming them into a tiny little ball, where they will one day explode out (hopefully at the time im leaving for japan) and i can finally stop feeling like the lackey who wants to be in the popular group, so she does what ever they say.

i really feel like throwing it in their face by say, would you like me to just stop asking you to do things with me? that way you dont have to keep saying no?

fuck.

the anger is already passing.
i feel i should be angrier since this is always happening.
this is at least the 12th time in the past 2 months.
and i let it pass everytime
so i feel like im getting walked all over
except i dont feel like that
because i like to ignore the obvious so much.

screw this.

at least its gotten better lately.

i think i can put up with it until i leave.

meh.